:')

He's okay! :')
Thank you God

Random dream

I had a dream abt Deepu last nite (or..this morning, at 3-ish). I dreamed he said sorry to me. No, he BEGGED me for mercy. He even went to my house and all! So to make a long story short, I forgave Deepu. After that, I remember CLEARLY he was wearing one of my father's favorite shirt, and we sat on the dining room, me and him. There's my grandparents and 'long lost' aunt --> bcs she never visit us again after what happened with my uncle) in the living room. And i leaned to him like i always lean on my dad. Then.....just like my dad, he scooped me under his arms and kissed my forehead, then I rest my head against his left shoulder (!!!) turns out, my aunt saw what we did, and booooooooooooooy does she look furious! So i quickly went back to sit :P Deepu chuckled and I blushed like craaazy. haha! Then I went out to my yard, i forgot what i was going to do, but turns out the boys from my batch had a RUGBY MATCH there!!! awesome rite? hahahaha! So after I watched the game, (unclear who won) we went back to the front door. I remember being surrounded by all the boys in my batch (XIII♥ !!) and someone even squeezed my hand, idk why i remember that part, but i do. haha.

OH! I even asked Adrea abt the soccer jersey!!! hahahaha. Me and the guys were supposed to go in from the front door to the house, which is strategically located between the dining room and the living room. I think my plan in that dream was to make my aunt think I'm not with Deepu (btw, even in my dream, we are NOT together) and also to make Deepu jealous (idk why i want to do that, its a dream afterall). But just before we entered the house, I FRICKIN WOKE UP. BECAUSE OF A FRICKIN STUPID TEXT MESSAGE. Grrrrrgh. now I wont know what happen next....................... :(

Now....the reason why i dreamed about Deepu begging for forgiveness:
It's because he broke his promise. Not postponing, not some empty promises like usual --> which, i'm okay with. But this one is an actual promise, and he broke it. B-R-O-K-E it. And what made me more upset was the sheer fact that I was totally excited. And had to be let down...................now i know i'll have to face those kind of things in life, but seriously, I was happy..i truly was. Now idk if i'd be able to let go of this any time soon. So for the time being i'm going to keep some distance to Deepu, and only answer as needed. Nothing more. I was really hurt! I waited until about 2.30AM..come on.... (well, even tho i slept thru it :p) then when i opened twitter there's this DM that he couldn't make it. I was hurt, upset, even mad. but was to sleepy to do anything about it. So i slept some more. I tried, anyways. I was so upset that i instantly went wide awake. Supposedly normal people would be muttering to themselves when upset. and keep them to themselves, in their hearts or somewhere. But because i'm somewhat sleepy, i wasn't able to mutter and curse and such, my heart didn't even ache. My head does. I was so upset but sleepy that instead of giving me a usual uneasy feeling in my guts, it gave me headache instead. So thanks, Deepu. thanks alot.

But on the other hand.................i was never to expect so much from anyone. So that was partly my fault. How can you expect something from someone who won't always be there, who will be gone, who probably wouldn't care about you anymore? Just like the last time. And.....to be honest, i think i've done this to Deepu too, unconsciously. I probably have, i mean..this guy is so sensitive that even my silence is making him upset. Dear God. What do you expect? Go marry a chatter box if you want someone THAT talkative. Geez..

ramblings #3

I really feel like crying. My heart feels like it's ready to burst at any moment. Sometimes I even find it hard to breathe. Why..why does my heart ache this bad? I don't like it. I feel helpless..it's the downside of being in love, isn't it? The agony. Why does it have to be so hard? If you think about it, being in love is just about two people who feels the same way: to care for each other, where the happiness of their significant other is essential to oneself. Then I suppose things will work out the way they should, after all, they've agreed to share their feelings mutually, things should fall into place. There should be a happy ending, they should be content because they finally have one another to care and love for. But NOOOOO. Life always makes it hard. You try. You fail. You get back up and try again. You got it. But destiny took it back. And you fall. And you start from zero again. Doesn't destiny know that it gets frustrating at some point??? ARRGH!

Sigh... I missed the simple life, where the hardest thing I had to do is memorize equations, or how to color inside the line. Or how to cut something. Now I have to worry about getting a job. In this challenging times, none the less. And I have to struggle to go to college, and to have the one I love beside me. Or rather just finding one first. Gosh, I feel like my whole life is starting right in front of my eyes. All I gotta do is hop on the train to the rest of my life. And frankly.............I don't think I'm ready. But if I don't jump, I'll miss the train and I wont go anywhere. And that's even worse.

........what TF am I rambling about? Oh God.

Ramblings #2

Today the result from ITB univ. came out. And here's mine:

I didn't make it. Wasn't accepted into ITB :(

To tell you the truth, I was somewhat shocked. Not that I'm confident I will make it..in fact I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't make it........... to my 1st choice. Didn't occur to me that I still wouldn't get accepted to my 2nd choice. Oh well. It upsets me a bit tho..What makes me sad isn't the fact that I didn't make it, it's the fact that I have to break it down to my grand parents and my dad.......................they'd be crushed :'( I'm sorry I've failed you guys...

At dinner I decided to tell my grandma about this. What made it more heart breaking for me was her expression after she heard that. She was like "Oh...you're kidding...?" And I can only look at her in the eyes and shake my head. And she'd repeat herself :'( Turns out my grandparents were just talking about arranging a meeting with me and my grandma's aqquaintance that works in Bali as a marine biologist, just this morning. We (my grand parents and I) were supposed to go to her place, which is in freakin' BALI! How awesome was that supposed to be???

I didn't have the heart to tell it to my grandpa, so my grandma delivered it to him. I thought he'd be shocked and upset..turns out he came out of his room (with a sad-accepting smile on his face) and sat down next to me. He said, "...you're passion was always in drawing. I guess architect is what you're meant to be. I still have that picture of a rooster you made when you were 9. Your (late) grandma said that if someday you're famous, we'll look at that picture in our room and say, 'that's our grandchild'. So you see, she knew that you're best at drawing..and I approve of you taking architecture." I was tearing up when he said that :')

Now, last but not least, is to tell my dad. He's out of town so I had to call him up. I told him about the bad news, and he said "well there's always the 2nd round.. want to try again? No pressure tho, if you want to I'll arrange it for you. You sound sad...don't be sad, ok? You already have a univ. waiting for you, feel sad for the others who haven't been so lucky," and all I could think of was that subtle hint of disappointment in his voice. But relieved none the less of how well he took it :)

Overall just surprised and VERY VERY relieved of how well my family took the news. They're soooooo supportive! I ♥ my family :)