mood: sucky D:

wew, udah lama juga ya gue ngga post apa2 di blog!
Sekarang gue udah kelas 3 :D tepatnya dari bulan lalu sih, hehe, dan jadi anak kelas 3 itu sibuk yah ? me no likey :( udah pelajarannya susah, mau ada UAN, banyak tagihan, udah gitu diakhiri dengan PISAH SAMA SAHABAT :'( what's so great about being a senior then? isn't it supposed to be like 'the greatest time of your life' ? i dont see it :( or maybe its just me?

anywho, there's LOADS to tell actually, so much so that i dont know where to start. I'm feeling....sucky. i think i might actually be depressed D: i'm mostly fine when i'm with my friends. but when i'm not, i will start to feel dejected and depressed, and dark thoughts will surround me. like...really dark thoughts, and i dont like it :( but a bigger part of me says that all those thoughts are true. I'm trying to keep those thoughts at bay, but sometimes i just cant, y'know? sedih deh gue kalo kayak gini. Maybe people see me as a strong, well-balanced, and rounded person; but i'm really not. I'm really, really fragile. and i have very low self-esteem. which is not good, not good at all.

Accidentally (out of) love

Gue ngga yakin, tapi kayaknya. Gue. Baru. Putus.
Dan gue ngga yakin kita bnr2 jadian 5-6 bln ini!
Jadi...udah pernah gue ceritain kan ttg Miki?(technically its Mike/Mikey/Michael, but Miki is good too, lol) nah jadi gue sm dia itu slm setengah tahun ini sdg menjalani sebuah hubungan ga jelas..haha, lebih baik disebut hts kali yee? Haha

So anyways, barusan, setelah hampir 2 bln ga kontak2an, gue akhirnya chatting lg sm diaa. Di tengah pembicaraan random, si Miki tiba2 nanya, "pm nya Arief -cepat sembuh Jodi- artinya apa?" so i said "Cepat sembuh means get well soon. Jodi is a name" gt kaan. Terus dia nanya lagi, "kl pm lo -sombong ya...ck ah- apa artinya?" trs aku blg aku ga mau jawab, soalnya agak susah mengartikannya..bkn arrogant jg sih, its more like..cuek gt loh. Dan sebenernya itu ditujukan utk dia, karena dia janji supaya bs ngobrol lagi kyk biasanyaa, tp nyatanya dia ngga menggubris gue.

Nah stlh itu tb2 dia nanya.. "siapa yg sombong?" jengjeeng..kl gue blg itu buat dia kan ngga enak, jd kubilang aja "looooo~ hahahaha" biar kyk bercanda kaaan. Terus dia panik gt, "gue???? Gue ngapain lo??!!" trs gue blg kan "haha, ampun deh, bukan buat lo kali..you're one of my best friend! Why would i hate you??"
Nah. 2 kata itu tuh: best. Friend.
Setelah kubilang kyk gt, dia lgsg jeda bentar gt br bls "ooh haha, untung deh bkn buat gue"

Dan yg paling paraah dan bikin gue yakin kl barusan, dengan 2 kata mujarab itu, gue secara tidak langsung mutusin Miki adalaaaah saat gue mau off, dan dia cuma berkata: "take care! Tqm". Cuma tqm. Bener2 cuma te quiero mucho. Dimana biasanya dia bilang "love you". Bahkan terakhir gue ngobrol sm dia dia msh blg 'love you' di akhir. Aku shock kareba bahkan stlh aku duluan yg blg DIA.TIDAK. MEMBALAS. Skrg cm 'tqm'. I'm back at the beginning!! :""(

Itulah alasan knp gue berfikiran bahwa Gue. Mutusin. Miki. IT WASNT INTENDED!!! Aku ngga mau cm tmn sm diaaaa. I wanna be special in his eyes :( :'(

Meskipun udah gue coba lagi, dilain kesempatan, utk blg i love u duluan, DIA TETEP G BLS. Satu2nya saat dia blg 'i love u too' adalah waktu dia ngebantuin gue bikin kalam, dan gue blg "yaaay thankyou! Love u love u!". Pd awalnya dia cm ketawa gt, trs gue pancing: "u dont love me too?" lgsg dilanjutkan dgn "sori lg random, g usah dihiraukan" (pathetic aint it?) dan stlh itu dia br blg "course i love u too" tp selebihnya nggak :( gue udh minta maaf ke dia, meskipun gue g blg knp, dan dia merasa g ada yg salah dan we're good. Gue hanya ngerasa kl selama ini dia blg 'love u' ke gue krn at some point dia merasa we're a couple. AND I FEEL THE SAME WAAAAY!! I STILL DO!!!! Tp krn 2 kata sial itu...semuanya jd 'tqm' lagii :( :( :'(

I WANT HIM BAAAAAACK! :'""( *wails*