comeback!

Heey bloggie! It's been a while. Now I'm in the 2nd semester already! Life in college has been well..I'm loving my friends and all the business around college, and its been extremely fun! I have some stories to tell, but I'll tell them later when I got more time, because I know for certain that I'm going to ramble on and on and on :p (or am I already?)

Anyway, I have a little...sadness I need to get off my chest. So a couple of days back my bf's phone was stolen. And I know how devastated he was, yet I wasn't around to comfort him and I went to bed instead. Well, in my defense I was still recovering from an illness I've been having for more than a week, but I know I should've been stronger and fight my urge to sleep to be there for my bf. And I wasn't. And I wanted to slap myself so hard it'll bleed. But what can I do? It was done. my bf had to call up his best friend (who I think was his ex too) to comfort him and she did; she was there for him and I wasn't. It's my fault, I know...but please, as his gf don't I have a right to feel jealous? My bf was all "please, can we not talk about her?" Or "don't make me remember her, please..." It's very clear that he still has feelings for her. We've been together for more than a year now and he still hasn't been able to forget his feelings for her? I'm extremely jealous, to be honest. But it's my fault to begin with :(

But seriously, can't I be jealous? I feel as if I've lost, yknow? I feel like I failed to make him happy all this time that he can still be that hungover her. I feel like he doesn't even love me anymore..conversations have been flat, like we both don't have the passion for each other anymorem..and we used to have sooooo much passion for each other. We used to tell anything and it all seemed interesting..now............ :""""""""""(

Dear bf, if you're bored of me, please say so...I won't ask much because I know I'm the one who has failed you. I'm sorry, and I still love you.. :') :*

break up

So i have this sort of boyfriend rite. he's perfect and all..he's everything a girl would've wished for. but the problem is he's far far away and we can never really meet. Yeah, we had fun, we had great laughs and great fights and everything a typical relationship has. but it's taking a toll on me. it's been taking a toll on me for a while, to be honest. i've wanted to break up with him for 4 times now, but i never did because i'm always afraid to break his heart. (even tho i've broken his heart many times before)

rite now, at this very instant moment, we're supposed to meet (i mean online) and talk. but i'm an hour late (because i had college stuff to attend to) and even tho i drove home as fast as i could to talk to him he's not here when i got home. And on the way i already know that he won't be here, but somehow i'm still hoping. I dont know why i do that. every atom of me knows he wont be there. I'm an hour late. but my heart still have hopes that he'd be there, waiting for me. I guess not, and what's left of my poor, fragile heart is broken again.

I dont know why i always get my hopes up.
i dont know why i have expectations towards him.
i dont know anything anymore.
:'(

Ever since we're both busy we can rarely meet. We used to be able to meet everyday. And now he comes home at 3am and i have to start my day at 6am. i usually wake up just to talk to him. but i cant do that anymore. Idk, maybe he thinks im not sacrificing anything, and he's been the one sacrificing all his daily routine to talk to me. but its not true; i sacrificed alot to talk to him as well. And as much as i dont wanna be high maintenance, i really wish he'd sacrifice more for me. like coming home early to talk to me. or at least answer my calls or call me back.

but he never does.

and just now, i called him like 5 times. he rejected every single one of my calls and i think he turn his phone off or diverted my call by the 6th time. Little does he know i'm really hoping to talk to him. little does he know i'm crying as i'm writing this. little does he know that i'm emotionally tired. :"(

And because of this, my dear friends, i'm making up my mind to break up with him once and for all. i'd rather be single than having an empty, imaginary relationship. And if he doesnt want to break up then i say, sorry i cant do this anymore. it's been great, but if you're keeping me because you feel sorry for me then you can forget it. we can still be friends tho. Not more, i'm sorry. I'm tired of mending whats left of my heart.

22210, it's been awesome. But i think we're never meant to be more than friends. Goodbye you, take care :')

Leaving :"(

I'm moving out from my house in 2 days :""""(
i really dont want to do it. i dont want to leave this house and leave all the memories behind.
i dont want to leave my grandparents. I know i never really did anything with them anyway, but it feels nice when you know you have some people to come home to. So I dont feel alone.
I dont want my maids and driver to be laid off. THEY'RE FAMILY TO ME! They've been with me since my MOM was in COLLEGE. I wasnt even born yet and they've been working for my family!!! Most of the times they're my true family. the ones who take care of me (bathe me, feed me, etc) bcs my parents are always busy...mom working 9 to 5 and dad, well, he's always out of town. :(
I DONT WANT TO LEAVE MY FRIENDS bcs im terrified that i wont be able to make friends over there.
Im afraid of going to college.
im afraid of the seniority that's going to be super tough on me for God knows how long.
I'm afraid i won't like college.
I'm afraid i wont like my major and i'll fail.
........i'm just paranoid about everything :(

despite all that, i'm trying to keep thinking about all the positive things. (which i dont find that many :s) And tomorrow night i'm going to host a farewell party with 3 of my other friends who will also be leaving town soon :"""( there will be lots of food and laughing and crying and people taking pictures...I know for sure i'm gonna cry like a baby. And i dont mind, i wont hide anything. I'm sad, terribly TERRIBLY sad that i have to leave them all, my family and friends. And i dont want to pretend to be strong, because Im not. And i'm just hoping all my paranoia will NOT come true and i'll have the BEST time in college! Amen :) :) :)

well..i guess for now i'm closing my chapter here and will begin shortly with a new one. I hope it'll be wonderful!

i cant sleep. and tomorrow i have a very VERY important test. ITB test. FML. Gotta be up at 4.30 :( my friend misses her bf, and even though i can make her forget him for a while, she's still missing him..i feel bad :| (and jealous at the same time)

on a random note, tonite DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL is performing LIVE in jakarta!!!! *ENVY!* i'd watch if tomorrow isnt the MOST IMPRTANT TEST EVER. hhhhh my friends are coming to see them :( WANT!

okkkk. enough rambling for now. gonna try to sleep. goodnite :)

sorry!

I just HAD to piss people off. WHY am I that STUPID? Why do I TEST people's love and care for me? WHY?! I hate myself for doing that.. I always get upset for the weirdest and smallest reasons..and I know I'm stubborn as hell when I'm upset..and as of now people can always put up with me on my seldom outbursts..but what if someday people get tired of it? I HAVE TO CHANGE. I dont want the people I care about stop caring about me because they think i'm too stubborn to listen...I need them in my life. I do!

To the people I've annoyed (that means every single one of my friends and family) I'm sorry..I'll change now :) I'm beginning to understand now, I'm an adult and I have to take responsibilities of my actions! :D

:')

He's okay! :')
Thank you God

Random dream

I had a dream abt Deepu last nite (or..this morning, at 3-ish). I dreamed he said sorry to me. No, he BEGGED me for mercy. He even went to my house and all! So to make a long story short, I forgave Deepu. After that, I remember CLEARLY he was wearing one of my father's favorite shirt, and we sat on the dining room, me and him. There's my grandparents and 'long lost' aunt --> bcs she never visit us again after what happened with my uncle) in the living room. And i leaned to him like i always lean on my dad. Then.....just like my dad, he scooped me under his arms and kissed my forehead, then I rest my head against his left shoulder (!!!) turns out, my aunt saw what we did, and booooooooooooooy does she look furious! So i quickly went back to sit :P Deepu chuckled and I blushed like craaazy. haha! Then I went out to my yard, i forgot what i was going to do, but turns out the boys from my batch had a RUGBY MATCH there!!! awesome rite? hahahaha! So after I watched the game, (unclear who won) we went back to the front door. I remember being surrounded by all the boys in my batch (XIII♥ !!) and someone even squeezed my hand, idk why i remember that part, but i do. haha.

OH! I even asked Adrea abt the soccer jersey!!! hahahaha. Me and the guys were supposed to go in from the front door to the house, which is strategically located between the dining room and the living room. I think my plan in that dream was to make my aunt think I'm not with Deepu (btw, even in my dream, we are NOT together) and also to make Deepu jealous (idk why i want to do that, its a dream afterall). But just before we entered the house, I FRICKIN WOKE UP. BECAUSE OF A FRICKIN STUPID TEXT MESSAGE. Grrrrrgh. now I wont know what happen next....................... :(

Now....the reason why i dreamed about Deepu begging for forgiveness:
It's because he broke his promise. Not postponing, not some empty promises like usual --> which, i'm okay with. But this one is an actual promise, and he broke it. B-R-O-K-E it. And what made me more upset was the sheer fact that I was totally excited. And had to be let down...................now i know i'll have to face those kind of things in life, but seriously, I was happy..i truly was. Now idk if i'd be able to let go of this any time soon. So for the time being i'm going to keep some distance to Deepu, and only answer as needed. Nothing more. I was really hurt! I waited until about 2.30AM..come on.... (well, even tho i slept thru it :p) then when i opened twitter there's this DM that he couldn't make it. I was hurt, upset, even mad. but was to sleepy to do anything about it. So i slept some more. I tried, anyways. I was so upset that i instantly went wide awake. Supposedly normal people would be muttering to themselves when upset. and keep them to themselves, in their hearts or somewhere. But because i'm somewhat sleepy, i wasn't able to mutter and curse and such, my heart didn't even ache. My head does. I was so upset but sleepy that instead of giving me a usual uneasy feeling in my guts, it gave me headache instead. So thanks, Deepu. thanks alot.

But on the other hand.................i was never to expect so much from anyone. So that was partly my fault. How can you expect something from someone who won't always be there, who will be gone, who probably wouldn't care about you anymore? Just like the last time. And.....to be honest, i think i've done this to Deepu too, unconsciously. I probably have, i mean..this guy is so sensitive that even my silence is making him upset. Dear God. What do you expect? Go marry a chatter box if you want someone THAT talkative. Geez..